worn.

Sometimes I get kind of raw when I write. I write what I think and I write what I feel. Do I regret it sometimes later? sure. sometimes. But that's why I started this blog. A place to inform, educate, vent and of course show off some photos of my babies. But today was one of those days that warrents a "vent."

Noah started school yesterday. Reese started today. Photos to follow. It has been an emotional couple of days to say the least. I'm not talking a couple of tears here... but full out sobbing. The kind that is embarrassing-- breathing heavily, snots flying about, mascara leaving a trail. The not-so-good stuff. Yesterday with Noah was tough because this is his first year out of ESE, with his typically developing peers. His aid (that the school hired just for him-- ok, pat myself on the back for that one as it is completely unheard of in this county) seemed nice enough and the teacher is wonderful. But it was up to Noah to do his part. I was scared. His first day seemed to go pretty well. I was surprised because normally it's a two week delay before he has a good first day. Transition and "new" are hard for him (me too--let's be honest).

Dropping Reese off was ridiculously hard (errr... for me). Did I leave her with the wolves? the sharks? evil trolls??? you would have thought so the way I cried and needed assistance from Joe as I went to my car. Luckily she didn't see me and handled the whole process like a brave, big girl. I have no doubt I have put her in the best possible place as I got a follow-up call an hour after drop off. They are nothing short of fantastic at that school. Phew.

Picking Noah up today I hear my name get called outside. Noah had a tough day. I won't get into the details of it, but my insecurities surfaced and I questioned everything. He is smart and I never question that. But he does things in a different way and can be stubborn as nails. Yesterday was a trick. Today was what I expected yesterday. The first two weeks are always a struggle. I will hold on and hope that things will improve. It would be a lie if I said i wasn't nervous. I am nervous, scared and aware of the importance of this year. It has to happen for him now.

You know the saying if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger? It's crap. it doesn't kill me. It just tortures me, gives me gray hairs, makes me eat chocolate, not sleep and just get mad at the a-holes that say it!

I am not stronger today. I am exhausted. Need someone to tell me what to do. How to help him. Tell me what he needs. I would go to the ends of the earth. But it's the unknown. Frustrating. And I am annoyed at the parents of typical kids prancing around with their typical kindergarteners. i want to scream "DO YOU KNOW HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT??" Your child has it easy. I experienced that today with Reese. Dropped her off and picked her up. She had a great day. Easy. simple. No big deal. And I don't mind a rough road if I know what I am up against and how to help him. I think I've just hit a temporary road block.

Homeschooling anyone?

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be.